I sometimes hear from people who truly do believe that saving their marriage after their spouse's affair would be ideal. This is what they'd truly like to happen - at least in a perfect world. Dating.com Reviews But when that same world has been shattered by the deepest betrayal imaginable, then it's hard to believe in perfection anymore. So, some people give up on the idea of perfection and instead would settle for simple happiness. But many people doubt that this is possible. While they may believe that they can save their marriage through determination, they doubt if they will ever be truly secure and happy in their marriage ever again.
You might get an example like:
"my husband and I are both absolutely determined to save our marriage,
even though he cheated on me and had an affair. And the reason for this is our
small twin daughters. I do not want them to grow up without a full time dad,
whom they adore. I believe my husband actually thought he had real feelings for
the other woman, but he is willing to set those aside to save our family. It
has come out in our discussions that he doesn't see me in the same way that he
used to, so I actually think if it weren't for our children, he would rather be
with her. Dating That's not
going to happen though. I feel like he's a little regretful and I know that I'm
a lot resentful. So while we are sticking it out, we are not really happy and I
wonder if we ever will be again. It seems as if true happiness after an affair
is not something that is ever really talked about. Every one talks about
maintaining your marriage but no one really tells you that it's going to be a
happy marriage in the end. I am at the point in my life where I realize that I
am not going to live forever. I want to have happy days most of the time. I
don't want to sleep walk through life miserable and resigned. I guess my
question concerns whether it's really uncommon for marriages to be happy after
an affair. What percentage of marriages return to a happy place and what
percentage simply goes through the motions?"
I tried to research this topic to
give a scientifically sound number. And I think that the answer depends upon
who you ask. I have seen claims indicating that anywhere from ten percent to
twenty five percent of married people who saved their marriage after an affair
considered Dating.com themselves to be happily married later. (I
think that the number would probably go up to be higher than this for the
couples who have had the affair behind them for many years. But that is only my
opinion.)
Regardless of whether you believe
that the number is on the low or high end, this is a pretty depressing number.
I have to admit that most of the correspondence that I get is from people who
are struggling. It's less common for me to hear from people who have completed
their healing and are now happy and have moved on. But I do hear from those
folks too sometimes and it always makes my day when I do.
I have a theory about some of the
things that I believe separate the couples who are able to restore their
happiness and those who are not. The happiest couples are typically those who
are willing to work the hardest. Let's face it. This is not pleasant stuff.
It's so much easier to want to gloss over the issues so that things get back to
"normal" as quickly as possible. This can be especially true when you
have children because you don't want to subject them to the tension and you
don't want for them to know that anything is wrong.
But, if you don't really uncover
how and why things went wrong, you can't really properly fix this. And, if you
don't do everything that you can to completely restore the trust and to
demonstrate true remorse, then the anger and the suspicion is going to continue
to be there. You can't really be happy again when you're deep down angry,
resentful, or suspicious.
It takes a great deal of work,
time, and determination to work through these things. It's not comfortable or
easy. Some couples just are not willing to do this. Some would rather pretend
that things are good when they truly aren't. Some would rather hide their
feelings or concerns because who wants to throw more conflict into the mix?
Honestly, in order to have a truly
happy marriage again, you have to let go of the resentments and you have to be
willing to open your heart. But in order to do that, you have to feel safe. And
you can't feel safe if there are still some issues. Until you can release the
doubt and anger, there is always going to be a shadow over your heart.
Most of us truly want to let go.
But we are rational people. We have little voices in our heads telling us that
we always need to be on our guard because if we are not, he's going to do it
again. Or, we feel that if we let go of our anger, he will feel free to take
advantage. All of these things are understandable. But in order to reclaim your
happiness, you have to put in the time in effort to ask for what you need to
feel safe laying the anger down. There is no magic formula. It takes time, tons
of communication, and a colossal amount of effort. Some are able to do it
through counseling and many do it on their own.
Also, I strongly believe that both
people need to be open to the idea that they deserve and want to reclaim their
happiness. Sometimes, the cheating spouse feels that they will never truly
deserve happiness again. But ensuring your own misery helps no one. It doesn't
benefit your spouse or your children when you are miserable. Give yourself
permission to be happy again and then work very hard to reclaim it.
To answer the original concern
though, it appears that the statistics on couples being happy again after an
affair aren't all that encouraging. But I know for a fact that these couples
exist. I know many of them. I am one of them. Please don't think that it's
impossible. It isn't. You just have to believe. You have to work hard. And you
have to keep moving forward until you get there. Once you quit, then you are
pretty much assured of failure. But if you keep going, even with setbacks, you're
still in the game.
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